


Inglourious Basterds

by MediumSizedEvil



Series: Two Sides of the Same Coin [1]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Antisemitism, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 02:39:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19803022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MediumSizedEvil/pseuds/MediumSizedEvil
Summary: ”Jakey, what's this that I hear that there's no rabbi?”“Not now, Aunt Linda!”Jake and Amy have an interesting encounter on their way to Aunt Linda's Passover Seder.





	Inglourious Basterds

Amy grabbed her bag from the footrest of the car and rumbled through the contents. "Dammit, I forgot my allergy meds. Can we please stop at a drugstore, just in case?"

Jake nodded. "Sure, but let's do it real quick. We don't want to be late for Aunt Linda's Passover Seder," he said sarcastically. "I'm really sorry about what she called you on the phone by the way."

"Shiksa? She just called me an 'attractive, non-Jewish woman,' right?"

"It's not a compliment. The implication is that you're a temptress who stole me away from a nice, deserving Jewish girl. And then she has the nerve to complain that there was no rabbi at our wedding."

"But he was there! Our rabbi was there!"

Jake smiled. "Yes he was." He punched the steering wheel. "Remember, we're only going for mom's sake. I can't stand the lot of them. 'Eli just became first violinist, our Chaya got into Harvard Law, did you know Ari performed a triple bypass surgery inside the womb', like it's some sort of competition. Ah, you know how it is. I'm always on the stairs, so to speak. The black sheep."

"Hey, you should be proud of your job." She squeezed his arm. "I'm proud of you."

"Thanks. Oh and Uncle Moshe from Haifa is over, he's such a self-righteous prick. Ugh I can't get this thing right," he said, adjusting his kippah again.

They found a parking spot near a drugstore and got out of the car. On the sidewalk a heavy man forcefully bumped into Jake from behind.

"Hey, watch where you're going!" Jake said irritably.

He turned around and tried to punch Jake, who quickly blocked him and hit him in the nose instead. There was a short struggle, after which Jake restrained him against the wall while he swore loudly and antisemitically.

"NYPD, you're under arrest!"

Amy handed Jake a zip tie from her handbag and he pushed up the perp's sleeves to cuff his wrists. He hesitated, and then pulled the fabric up further. "Wow, look at this," he told Amy, revealing a poorly executed sleeve portrait of a failed painter. "Well well, if it isn't Karl Rudnik," Jake continued, delighted. "Wanted in three states. I'm so glad you just happened to bump into me, purely accidentally.” He prodded the tattoo. “Nice try with the beard, but the mustache gave you away."

The perp swore loudly again.

"Will you stop kvetching, you Christmas noodle," Jake said, and continued reading him his rights. “Hey, you want to see my badge? It's this cool little thing I have that means you have to do what I say.” Then he grabbed his phone to request some backup. "Oh no!" he exclaimed suddenly, looking at the time. "Sundown has started. No more work." He sighed. "Well, I guess I'll just have to let you go."

"What?" Amy exclaimed. "You-"

"Just kidding, Rudnik," Jake continued. "I'm Reform."

Amy smiled. "Oh hey Rudnik, isn't that a Polish name? Try opening a history book, you moron."

They waited until the on-duty officers came to take him away.

"Dammit, now we're really going to be late," Jake said as they walked back to the car. "Oh well, they'll have something to moan about."

"Hey, you just punched a Nazi in the face. I think you win Passover this year."


End file.
